Having a party.... What do you need?

• Well first of course you need a giraffe.
  • The giraffe should be any colour except purple
• And also a giraffe.
  • This giraffe may be purple, and it must have a forklift license.
• A lot of beer.
• Actually you need a heck of a lot of beer.
  • If you remember back to high school chemistry, about One Million Moles of your favourite beer should do. (this is somewhere in the range of 1200 375ml bottles)
  • The above figure is not exact, I have done no calculations but please do not send in any calculations you have made while under the influence of this much beer, they will likely be incorrect.
• Oh and keep the giraffes away from the beer.
  • Do not to attempt to keep the beer away from the giraffes, as beer is notorious for disobeying orders and punishment will do little good.
• Also people will think it is great if you have a bun-gee crane.
• if you do not have a bun-gee crane, do not try to substitute for a bun-gee crane using three toothpicks... it is really hard to attach a bun-gee cord to a tooth pick and still pass the safety inspection.
  • If you are able to build a safe bun-gee crane with three toothpicks (you may add a fourth to reinforce any weak points) I would advise you to get a patent.
  • If you are unable to build such a bun-gee crane, don't worry, Nobody's perfect.
• if there are people coming to the party you will need a few more things.
  • A Cat... so cat haters have a target upon which to alleviate their sickness.
  • More beer, so the people have something to drink.
  • Beer for the Giraffes to drink.
  • Paul McCartney, to keep the Giraffes company.
• Music: keep to the following guidelines
  • No ABBA impersonators... the real ABBA is alright... but no fake substitutes allowed.
  • A basketball player strumming a violin is encouraged.... but keep said basket baller standing in the vicinity of the beer as they are the only being with the height to protect the beer.
  • Have all extremely famous artists attending the party (eg. Pearl Jam, Picasso, or Torvil and Dean) carry phone books on their person.
  • And of course if you must play CD's or tapes... Do not play any collections of bird calls from south Africa. Bird calls from Lithuania are fine though. (duh)
• Light Aircraft: Instructions for parties held aboard this type of plane (not commercial airliner)
  • Do not imagine it is a commercial airliner and try to get cabin service from first class, stick to the duldrums of economy class.
  • If you are able to get the attention of an Air Host/Hostess, do not invite them to join the mile high club. There are no toilets on light aircraft.
  • Also if you and the pilot are the only people on the plane, do not invite the pilot to join the mile high club either, it is better not to distract the person flying the plane.